Damaged
by TDL54
Summary: I have only recently discovered the cracks in my well-polished statue. No one else has noticed though. No one sees the difference in their hero. I guess this is a good thing. I never really expected more.


This piece is incredibly ANGSTY. I am warning you now. I also would like to say that I never thought Clark/Superman would be like this or react this way, but I just wanted to explore a deeply depressed Superman. (And it sure was fun.)

One last note, in this piece I tried using a very fragmented writing style to show Supe's current state of mind.

Reviews would be awesome!

xxxxxxx

People call me a _big blue boy scout_. I detest the nickname now, but no one knows that. They only see the golden boy, their god among men. I may be the strongest man in the world, I may be the fastest person on the planet, but that doesn't mean I'm happy. Or as good as people think.

I used to think I was that benevolent person everyone believed me to be. But underneath it all, beneath my brightly colored costume, there's so much more. I long to scream, destroy, ruin.

I long to disappear.

I have only recently discovered the cracks in my well-polished statue.

People don't make it any easier though. These humans are lovely and horrible in turns. I wish to save them one day, and abandon them the next.

That's why I quit the Planet. It was of no use anymore. I was only going through the motions. Writing articles that made no difference, talking to people who never cared. People have only ever seen Clark as a passing amusement. Something to talk to briefly and step on later. Looking back, I don't blame them. I hated him too, hated what I had made myself become for this ridiculous crusade.

Then there's Lois. Being around her, with her fiance, with her now hidden love for Superman and open annoyance at Clark. It was the most exquisite of tortures. I didn't want it to end. But I knew it should. I knew it would have to. I'll never love another; I'll never truly move on. But that doesn't mean I have to sit there and let my heart crack open a little more every day.

I gave my notice with no trouble. Used some bogus excuse of moving back to Smallville. The only people who cared were Jimmy and my son. Not being around him as Clark is the worst consequence of my Planet departure. But I still watch him from above, safely hidden away in the sky. It's easier missing an idea than a person you never had a chance to know.

So I'm Superman full time now. I rarely sleep or eat. The only thing I really need is the sun. It's the one thing that never fails me. When it sets, it's sure to come back again. I realize the only comfort I have is among the stars these days. The irony is not lost on me.

I really have no idea what my father meant for me here. I'm supposed to be their savior. Swoop down and interfere when lives are in danger, but when it comes to having my own life, relationships, and connections, I'm supposed to remain cold, distant. Alone.

Well, I'm finally living my life that way. I recognize now how foolish it was to try otherwise before. My father knew it was a mistake, but I thought I could prove him wrong. I won't make that error again.

I don't know how long it's been since I quit the Planet and my life. The days blend together to create a seemingly never-ending one. The rescues and saves all appear similar now. Different faces, but the same situations set on repeat.

I must be running on some kind of autopilot. I still capture criminals, while my mind is not present at all. It's all like a dream. Or maybe more like a nightmare. I've come to accept this though.

No one has noticed. No one sees the difference in their hero, in their beacon of hope. This is a good thing, I guess. I never really expected more.

No one has noticed except Lois that is. I caught her from falling off a building the other day. I tried to behave the same way I always had. My soft "Miss Lanes," gentle words, and open smiles. I mimicked every action I thought I had perfected.

But she knew. By god, somehow she knew. She immediately noticed the emptiness in my grins, the lifelessness in my eyes, the distant way I held her as I flew. She saw how utterly broken I am. She saw through my facade and recognized that I am a shell of who I used to be.

I was ashamed. Embarrassed even.

But not as much as I thought I would be. Soon I found myself growing angry and bitter at her close examination of me. She had no right.

"You are... different," she said with concern in her eyes, as I set us both down on a nearby building.

"I'm just fine, Miss Lane." I smiled as widely and charmingly as possible.

"You never were a good liar."

I bit back all that I felt. The anger, the resentment, the hurt, the rage. The love. I forced myself to keep up the mask for her. For myself too.

"I never lie," I reminded her gently. I was suddenly sick with how deceitful I was, am, have always been. I disgust myself.

She scoffed as soon as I said this, rolling her eyes for effect, before placing a hand on her hip defiantly.

"I'm _fine_," I reassured her a little _too_ forcefully. Even I heard the desperation in my voice then. And once upon a time, she knew me better than anyone.

She softened immediately, her eyes suddenly becoming warm, friendly.

"Hey, what's wrong? You can tell me." She continued to look deep into my eyes, pleading with me to confide in her, to lean on her. She _wanted_ to comfort me. But it was too much. It was too much and never enough.

I again smiled as brightly as I could and waved away her concerned look. "I really am fine, Lois."

She shook her head, while taking a step towards me, seemingly closing the distance between us. She slowly placed her hand on my arm and then squeezed soothingly.

I immediately shut my eyes and recoiled abruptly from her caress.

She stepped back in shock instantly. After all, I had never backed away from her before, let alone so violently.

"I'm sorry," I said slowly and I was surprised by how much I meant it in that moment. I didn't wait for her to respond though, and took to the sky as fast as possible.

Soaring through the air, shooting straight for the stars, my arm still burned from where her hand had touched me.

Her touch weakens my resolve. It breaks me and undoes all the control that I have left.

There was a reason I left the Planet. The Man of Steel is very breakable. And I have a bigger weakness than kryptonite. Her name is Lois Lane.

Looking back on my conversation with her, I finally accept how truly broken I am. Superman _is_ broken. Maybe I always was though. And I don't know how to fix myself.

I burn. The burn never really goes away. It just leaves a scar on my heart.


End file.
